


forgiveness, can you imagine?

by littlevodika



Series: star wars fanfiction/reader inserts [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Mutilation, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlevodika/pseuds/littlevodika
Summary: everyone has a band on their skin that represents their soulmate, known as a soulmate band. most people spend their existence trying to find their other half. you believe that having a soulmate does nothing but put them at risk. you've bared the weight of keeping your identity a secret from your soulmate for nearly twenty years , but when your former master confronts you about your secret, will you get over the fear or give in to it?
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Reader
Series: star wars fanfiction/reader inserts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1695919
Comments: 6
Kudos: 121





	forgiveness, can you imagine?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Andrea_E_Howlett_Stark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andrea_E_Howlett_Stark/gifts).



> again, there's a scene with self-mutilation that's relatively graphic so be warned. this is one of the most angst-ridden fics i've ever written as well as my first attempt at hurt/comfort i guess. some of y'all will get the hamilton reference but it's not crucial to anything if you don't, it's just meant to break your heart mostly.  
> this is gifted to andrea_e_howlett_stark bc i got the inspo for the au from her obi/reader/ani soulmate au that was emotionally tumultuous but hella rewarding all the same. i hope you enjoy, hon!  
> (also, i’m sorry if my dear obi is ooc, i’m still trying to find his voice & learn to write him)

“You wished to see me, Master Yoda?”

It was an immediate summons to the Jedi Council as soon as you returned from Geonosis. You were commed on the ship back to Coruscant by Master Yoda, and he said that you had to report to him immediately with no detour, not even to wash the remnants of that grimy planet off of your skin.

“Indeed,” he affirmed. Once he had ended the holocall, you thought your summons was solely meant to have your mission report submitted as soon as possible. That’s why it was so strange that Master Yoda and Master Windu were the only ones in the council room. Maybe the others were all away on missions of some sort; it was unlikely that they would only have two solitary council members remaining on Coruscant, but you were not one to question the absences too much.

Yoda gestured to your right shoulder, where you kept your soulmate band concealed. “Who your soulmate is, you know. Act on it, why not?”

You were thrown into a tailspin. This was the last thing you had expected to hear from your former master.Honestly, you would have rather give a hundred bland mission reports than talk about soulmates, but Yoda and Windu had other ideas.

You remained silent for a moment too long because Master Yoda pressed the topic with a “well?” that, if spoken by anyone else in the galaxy, would have given the impression of impatience.

“Soulmates are dangerous for Jedi, Master. I would rather keep them as far from me as possible if it meant keeping them safe.” It was a common excuse used by smugglers and Jedi alike, and it was your excuse as well. You weren’t the first to use it, and you doubted that you would be the last.

“That may be, but you wouldn’t have been given a soulmate that couldn’t handle the danger and circumstances of your life. That’s why they’re called soulmates, General.” Master Windu expanded onto Master Yoda’s point and despite wanting to vehemently call him a fool, you didn’t. Not because of his rank, but because you understood.

It made sense to your brain, the ever so logical brain, but your heart refused to accept it. You wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if your soulmate suffered because of who you were, because of your devotion to the Jedi Code. Yes, the Code encouraged Jedi to find their soulmates, but it wasn’t mandatory. That you were immensely thankful for.

“But what if they-”  
“Up to you, their fate after bonding is not. What is your doing, their suffering without you.”

Your former master interrupted your excuse and if you weren’t mistaken, Master Windu was smirking at your demise. The audacity of him is absurd! What you did and didn’t do about your soulmate is none of their concern! It’s your soulmate, your choice!

They sensed you were growing angry and both thought it best to not press the issue more than necessary. “Take some time to think about what we’ve said. Seriously think about it, maybe talk to people about their soulmates and how their bond impacts their day to day life. When you’ve completed that task, then we can talk some more on the subject.”

“Barred from missions, you are until then. Lesson you will learn”

That can’t be! They can’t bench a Jedi during such dire times! It’s unacceptable! You had to fight! “Master Yoda, this is absurd! Benching me for a personal decision I made before I was even your Padawan-”

“You will not face combat until you complete the task we assigned you. There is no way around this, Y/L/N.” Master Windu is not relenting, and since this was your former master’s idea, you knew that there would be no assistance from him on the matter.

You were fuming, desperate to say something cruel and wicked to release the anger you felt towards the Jedi in front of you, but the Force held you back. Instead, you left without another word to either of them, severely needing a break from the stress you just experienced. You were probably the first person ever that wanted to go back to Geonosis.

\--------

You were so wrapped in your own head that you didn’t even notice when you bumped into Anakin in the halls of the Jedi Temple.

“Whoa, are you doing okay? You look more stressed now than you did when we were dealing with the Zillo Beast.” You shook your head and you could feel his worry increasing. You tried to walk away but he grabbed your arm before you could escape. “You’re angry.”

Oh Force, did he have no reservations at all? Wait, this was Anakin Skywalker you were talking about. Of course he didn’t.

“Yeah I’m angry, what of it?” In all the time he’s known you, Anakin had never felt this much negative energy radiating from you. His eyebrows scrunched, unabashedly using the Force to get an idea of what was wrong with you. You felt him prying and quickly shut him out, but not before he caught a glimpse of your inner turmoil.

“If you want to talk to me about your soulmate problem, Y/N, my door will be open to you.”

“I don’t have a soulmate problem!” You shouted, losing some of your restraint after having your mind invaded by your close friend. He released your arm and softened his gaze, hoping that once you were in control of your emotions that you would ask him for help.

“You know where to find me.” With that gentle reassurance, he left you standing in the hallway.

After a moment, you sprinted to your quarters, bathed the Geonosian grime from your body, and meditated on what you should do about your soulmate problem.

\--------

Anakin, after peering into your mind, was almost overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions he found. Your anxiety over your soulmate troubled your friend, who understood your dilemma to some degree.

When he and Padmé had met as children, Anakin didn’t have an inkling of an idea about the danger he would be in as an adult. When he started to fear for Padmé’s safety because of his status as a (in)famous Jedi Knight, she helped her soulmate realize that she was in constant danger as well because of her political status & that they would support each other through peace and war.

But your fear manifested before bonding with your soulmate, and your friend didn’t know how to help you. His look into your mind told him that you had spoken to Master Yoda and Windu about the matter, meaning that they would have no new information to give him. He knew of one person that he could consistently go to for Jedi advice with no fear of judgement, and that person was his former master.

After bathing and greeting his wife after his grueling mission, Anakin set off for advice from his closest friend.

\--------

Obi-Wan has been stressed. With each passing day, his soul band weighs on him, reminding him that he still hasn’t found his soulmate. Not for a lack of trying on his part.

His emotions have threatened to consume him more often in the past several weeks, what with the war escalating and the fear that he would die without a soulmate to live for. More of his time has been spent meditating in the past week than in all of his Padawan training with Qui-Gon, and his former master loved to meditate at any given chance.

‘Here we go again,’ Obi-Wan sighs before closing his eyes, letting the Force envelop his senses.

**several hours later**

Obi-Wan’s meditation ended with more questions than answers, also known as the opposite of his goal. Before he can try again, there’s rapid knocking on his door that borders on pounding. He opens it and nearly gets knocked in his face by Anakin, who was clearly going to knock until he got in.

“Anakin, what’s the matter? You were seconds from punching my door in.”

Anakin takes a moment to analyze his friend before telling why he was there, and it paid off immensely. His former master was clearly disheveled, not only in physical appearance (which wasn’t often) but also in the Force (which was very worrying & even less often). There was a newfound ragged air about him, one that didn’t belong on Obi-Wan. A problem has arisen that Obi-Wan cannot find an answer to, and this shook the younger man to his core.

“Are you okay, Obi-Wan?”

“Yes I am, I’m perfectly fine, Anakin. Why do you ask?” Obi-Wan knew, in that moment, that he fucked up. He took too long to school his emotions physically and through their Force connection, and now his friend knew to be suspicious.

In all his years, very few people were able to get a glimpse into the mind of Obi-Wan Kenobi, to see its inner workings. Qui-Gon helped make sure of that by teaching him to guard his emotions from others, building walls around himself so frighteningly tall that no one would dare climb them.

But this time, all it took was his former Padawan’s presence in his quarters and the most simple question to bring his brewing emotions to the surface.

“You have no idea what it’s like to wonder whether your soulmate loves you! Whether they even want to meet you! I’ll tell you how it feels, Anakin, it’s kriffing MISERABLE!”

Anakin was stunned. His master, always the most collected man in the room, was out of control, and shouting about his emotions, no less. Being at a loss, the only thing Anakin knows to do is to shut the door to the hallway, guide his master to a chair, and have him sit. Anakin takes the chair in front of Obi-Wan, prepared to listen to whatever his master has to say. He knows his mentor is suffering and braces himself for anything hurtful that could possibly be said that could hurt him, knowing that the words wouldn’t be meant.

“Thirty years! For thirty years I’ve been left to wonder about them! Who they are, where they are, and why they haven’t revealed themselves to me! I’ve never stopped searching, hoping that one day, one day, that they would show up and claim me as theirs! Every dangerous mission, every diplomatic trip I’ve held out, waiting to feel a connection with that one person! The one made for me, the one I was made for!” Obi-Wan was sobbing, the mental walls he spent so long building and fortifying through the Force, being obliterated by the idea of his soulmate rejecting him before even knowing him. 

He was right, Anakin didn’t know what that pain was like; however, Anakin did know one person who deserved to know this feeling.

Choosing to postpone any thoughts of giving you advice after seeing the impact of your indecision, Anakin spends hours with his master. He helps Obi-Wan rebuild the beginnings of new mental walls, meditates for hours on end to assist in restoring order to his master’s troubled mind. It was hard for Anakin to keep calm knowing that the only one that could permanently cure Obi-Wan of this hurt refused to do anything about it. He wanted you to feel your soulmate’s misery through both your soulmate bond and your bond with him through the Force.

It’s the least you deserved, especially for the decision you would soon make.

While Obi-Wan was almost asleep, Anakin called his wife and told him that he wouldn’t be able to come home tonight, that he was needed by his master. He revealed only the details necessary to help her understand that it was serious, and Padmé didn’t hesitate before telling Anakin to not come home until his friend was better.

\--------

Your meditation was going relatively okay, considering the harsh topic you were pondering. You thought you had the beginnings of an answer when you were blinded by a searing pain in your temples. It was so strong that you could feel your brain pounding from the intensity of it.

It was Obi-Wan.

You quickly reached out through the Force to check whether he was in danger, and you sensed no threats to his life. There was a storm brewing in his head and heart, the likes of which you’ve never felt from him in all the years you knew him. It was his emotions, they were overwhelming him, and by proxy, you.

He’s breaking, and you knew you were the one to blame.

You tried to ignore it until it proved impossible to do so. Your next option was to block it out, splash some water on your face and fortify yourself against his turmoil, but the moment you rose from your bed you collapsed to the ground, unable to move with tears rolling down your face.

His emotions were all being released and you felt every single one of them. The loss of his master, the friends who’ve died because of this war, but the worst part was that he had no soulmate to grieve with.

He was a tempest pounding against your walls, testing your resolve to remain a secret to him. You could feel yourself starting to crumble from his force. His vulnerability only strengthened your connection to him and it curled you into a fetal position, sobbing as you felt him break down.

But Obi-Wan’s emotions weren’t the only ones reaching a climax.

You could tell Anakin was there with him, helping him through the pain you’ve caused. Experiencing it right along with him, helping him recoup. _‘This is your doing. Fix it. Now.’_ His words burned with the fury of the Tatooine suns, scalding and unforgiving. Just as quickly as the anger was shown to you it had vanished, but the burn would remain.

You made your decision.

\--------

It was hours later before you regained control of your body, your hands quivering and your legs barely able to support you without giving in. Anyone that knew you would quickly and vehemently deny that you were in any shape to make any life-altering decisions, but you were alone and there was no one around to stop you.

Fumbling hands eventually found your lightsaber but were barely able to hold it, the weight almost being too much for you after the temporary paralysis you were trapped in moments before.

You shook as you brought your saber to life, its emerald hue reflecting off your skin. You could feel your heartbeat thump, thump, thumping in every fibre of your being. Despite not having complete control over your limbs, you knew that you had to take action now so Obi-Wan’s pain would end.

He could have been your husband, your lover, your partner. The bond you could have had, the intensity of it would have been able to envelop you both in a love stronger than anything in the galaxy.

But you weren’t ready for that. You didn’t want there to be a day that one of you leaves this realm of being, stranding the other in a galaxy that lost all meaning without their other half. With the penchant you both had for life-threatening situations, you couldn’t afford to take that risk yourself, least of all allow Obi-Wan to. He didn’t deserve the pain you could and are currently causing him.

It was your duty as his soulmate, as his friend, to put an end to it.

Shaking hands brought you saber closer to your soul band until you could feel the heat on your arm from its proximity. It was blistering, but you couldn’t stop. You had to sever your bond, for his sake.

\--------

Anakin was watching his master sleep, guarding him from nightmares that would easily take hold if there were nothing to stop them. He had experienced so much trauma, saw so much gore in his days with the Order that if given the opportunity, any event in his life could come back to haunt him. That’s why Anakin wasn’t going home to his wife, why he didn’t let himself grow tired sitting in Obi-Wan’s quarters.

Obi-Wan had been asleep for less than an hour when the searing pain began. He awoke with a start and immediately inspected his soulmate band, nearly passing out from the shock of what he was seeing and feeling. It was a burning pain he’d never experienced before, and it was directly on his soul band. He had no control over his vocal chords as he screamed in anguish, fresh scar tissue quickly forming over a section of his soulmate band and the Jedi Master was panicking. Sweat was forming quicker than the tears and they mixed, no one able to discern a sweat bead from a tear.

It took only Anakin’s Force connection with you to enlighten him to the cause of the burning, and he was horrified. Did you have any idea of the damage you were causing to both yourself and Obi-Wan? This was the harshest way someone could reject their soulmate, only the heartless would resort to an act so low.

Anakin knew you had reasons for concealing your identity as Obi-Wan’s soulmate, but in his opinion, your “reasons” were a pile of dwang. He quickly went to his master’s side and tried his best to help him through this pain like he did hours before, but this was a process that even the Force couldn’t dull. All he could do was smooth his master’s hair back as he thrashed in pain, cradling his right arm where the burning had begun.

\--------

You were determined to see this through. The pain you felt was unlike anything you’ve ever known, and you couldn’t stop yourself from releasing a bloodcurdling scream from the depths of your soulmate bond. Tears were clouding your vision, making it all the more difficult to do what needed to be done. Doing this was worth running the risk of amputation because you were doing it for him. You were protecting him from you, he would come to understand in time! He-

Someone was taking your saber from you and you didn’t have the strength to take it back. You could barely register Master Windu standing over you, a look of frenzied anger taking over his features.

“What the kriffing Sith were you thinking?! Do you not have any sense left in that head of yours, Y/L/N?! When you were told to do something about your soulmate, this was the exact opposite of what you were supposed to do! Are you even listening to me right now?!?!” Master Windu continued to yell at you, and only as he’s yelling do you realize the gravity of what you’ve done.

It makes the tears fall harder, sobs racking your body to the point you roll out of the chair you crawled into after finding your saber. The Force takes over and reaches for Obi-Wan, your friend, your most trusted ally, your soulmate. You’re able to ask him for forgiveness, you’re asking him to understand your reasons for inflicting the worst pain you’ve ever given to anyone onto him, the one living thing you never intended to harm.

You wouldn’t blame him if he chose to finish what you began out of disgust. The contempt he must feel for you! It’s insurmountable! He’ll hate you for the rest of your existence, and if your spirits manifest after death through the Force, he’ll hate you even then! Nothing will ever redeem you in his eyes-

Wait.

What was he doing?

Your soulmate was… reaching back.

Not in malice, but to comfort you, and seeking comfort in return. There were no words, just love. Unbreakable, never-ending love.

Is this forgiveness? Can you imagine? After everything you did, he’s willing to work through this? You didn’t deserve this man- You stopped yourself before you finished the thought. That was the thinking that got you to where you were right now.

Instead, you remembered what Master Windu had said to you hours earlier: “You wouldn’t have been given a soulmate that couldn’t handle the danger and circumstances of your life. That’s why they’re called soulmates.”

You sent the feelings back to him tenfold, releasing everything you concealed for so long. Your desire for him, the love you’ve kept hidden for decades, and the lingering hope for forgiveness, whether deserved or not.

\--------

When the burning stopped, Obi-Wan was shaking, shivering like a Tatooine native on a vacation to Hoth. His Padawan was holding him steady, knowing that if the burning started again his master would flail and injure himself more in an attempt to escape the pain.

He could see your walls tearing themselves apart, releasing your every thought into the Force. His understanding of your reasons was instantaneous. It didn’t make the wound on his soul band hurt any less, but he was finally connected to you. His soulmate.

He wanted to talk, oh Stars did he want to speak and tell Anakin to retrieve you, but his throat was so raw that if he tried to talk he would cough up blood. He braced himself against Anakin before mustering every bit of strength he had left in him, using it to connect to the Force, to connect to you.

“Bring her to me, bring her to me!”

He had no idea whether anyone could hear him, but he had to try. He had to hold you, to tell you he understands now. That he forgives you for keeping such a heavy secret for so long. That he’s here for you whenever you’re ready to accept him and love him.

He should have known it was you from the start. The two of you were inseparable as Padawans; you were each other’s partner in crime and in war, never failing to communicate without words, sometimes without the Force. That should have been the first clue, but with the way you kept your soul band covered at all costs there was no way to be sure your bond extended farther than your Force connection.

You heard the cries of your soulmate and your most bare instincts won out, trying your best to tell Master Windu that you were ready to be with your soulmate.

“Master, take me to him! Please, take me!”

He nods, scooping you into his arms without a word. There were Jedi in the halls of the Temple, all of them feeling some semblance of turmoil from two of the strongest Force users in the Order. They saw Windu carrying you, which was odd in itself, but what sent everyone into a flurry of sympathy and sadness, was the beginnings of a scar on your soul band.

Obi-Wan felt like an eternity had passed before you were carried into his quarters by Master Windu. You were shaking as much as he was, your breath uneven as you tried to keep the sobbing at bay.

Neither of you spoke as Master Windu set you down gently beside your soulmate. Obi-Wan’s arms immediately reached for you like a needy child, and you fell into them without hesitation. Anakin had risen from the bed to speak to Master Windu about the situation unfolding in front of them, worried looks being cast to the soulmates from time to time.

You weren’t focused on the men in the doorway, and neither was Obi-Wan. The only focus was each other and the conversation you were having; whether the conversation was through the Force or your soulmate bond it did not matter, the only priority was being able to communicate.

_Obi-Wan, I’ve been so selfish all these years, keeping you from receiving the love you deserved. I know a simple apology will never be enough to get back the wasted years-_

_Darling, it’s over now. We can be together as we were always meant to be._

_But how?! How could you possibly trust me after what I’ve done? How could you love me?! I hurt you in the most unspeakable way, Obi! How can you still see me and think of love?_

_It’s rather simple, really. I just take the love from every other moment I’ve known you and carry it with me during times like this. We’ve got a lot to talk out before adjusting to a new normal, but it can be done._

He tightened his grip around you as he placed a kiss to your temple. With nothing more to say, you just gripped him tighter to you and buried your face in his neck. It would take time for the two of you to find soulmate bliss, but you were both willing to do whatever necessary to spend the rest of your lives together.


End file.
